Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.