Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes