Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you

Room with a view.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

Writing, She Murdered.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.