Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

Me: finally got my dream car, now when is my dream man gonna come along?

My husband:

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

LMFAOOOO

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak