Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

ㅤ

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.