Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

roman lesbians: *caesaring*

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

And then there were 4

Not muting your mic is the new reply all

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.