Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.

I’ll see myself out.

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

My biological clock is wheezing.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

awesome draft from months ago i just found

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.