I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Who called it baking and not making love
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.