I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
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“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.