Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

Sheriff: can i help you son?

Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-

Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

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