Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”

Looking at you, Jesus.

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.