Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey