I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.