I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You Might Also Like
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
dutch so unserious
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
