I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money