I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
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It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*