Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

If my kids invented a drink.

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.