Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again