Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

that would 100% work on me

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too