Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.