I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
You Might Also Like
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
(yawn)
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda