Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Teach your children to beatbox

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok