Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

What the world needs now is

a. love

b. sweet love

c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.