i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
You Might Also Like
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
they split up moments later
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?