i’m laughing very hard in real life
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.