I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.