I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
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Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine