Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Dead sexy!!

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”

-my excuse for everything

This poor dog

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.