I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts