I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids