I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
