I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
May have had one breakfast too many
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad