Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

🤭😂

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake