Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.