I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
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I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with