I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
You Might Also Like
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Florida man
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
