Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

me to my student: go get your mom

my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer