Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

My plans: 2020:

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

“Are you okay?”

Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”