I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
You Might Also Like
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Cake safety first. Always.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Cop lights are so pretty at night
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no