Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: It’s a surprise!

Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Is….Is this an option?

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Text: How come you stopped drinking?

Me: Because I kept waking up with you.

Her: I hate you.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”