Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

The 4 stages of a family vacation

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?