Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

Writing, She Murdered.

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine