“I’m leaving you”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
Me: I did not see this coming
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?
Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.