“I’m leaving you”


“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”


*slams door*

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Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!


[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself


Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.


I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”


Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.


If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.


*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious


A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.


Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.


The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.