“I’m leaving you”


“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”


*slams door*

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My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.


So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.


Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.


6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.


Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow


Me: I did not see this coming


Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?


Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.