@ehdannyboy

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

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@ThugRaccoons

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

@fowlerism

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@P1ssed_K1d

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

@markhoppus

Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.

@AbbyHasIssues

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious

@Fallun_Angel

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@jollyrobber

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.