“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend