“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Tell the colonel to bring it
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[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
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If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Sticker placement is key.
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