Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Siri: Retweet me.

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

[trying to get a massage]

How much for a happy ending?

“Sir, this is a library!”

*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.