i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I love art.
they finally got him. they got macavity
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T