i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.