I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
every man in east london
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.