Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

My blood type is coffee.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.