I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
We don’t deserve birds.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A French press is when you hug naked
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??