I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
You Might Also Like
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking