Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Manager: Is there any training you’d like to attend this year?

Me: Could I attend “Advanced Tolerating Simpletons”?

Manager:

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano