Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.
*throws in the towel*