[Your password must contain numbers and letters]
ROMAN CITIZEN: IT DOES, WTF
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
You Might Also Like
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.