@Nickadoo

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

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@TheBoydP

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

@moooooog35

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

@PoodleSnarf

Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?

Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@Laser_Cat

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

@ch000ch

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@TheAlexP

If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.

@Token_Geezer

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

@VenusRockHobbit

If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.