@Nickadoo

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

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@Home_Halfway

*enters password*
itaLLLy
[Your password must contain numbers and letters]
ROMAN CITIZEN: IT DOES, WTF

@freypalm

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

@heychikabumbum

I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain

@pancake_puns

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@Thynebear

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

@_sweet_ham

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.