I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
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i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.