I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
You Might Also Like
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.