Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

Disgusting if literal: Liverpool

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

I cannot stop laughing at this

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol