“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.