I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)