I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.