I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Well, that should do it
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
this has to be peak English
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Close call…
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Name another movie that mislead you?
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.