I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Self-cleaning conscience
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific