I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
All right then, keep your secrets
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep