I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*