@Contwixt

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

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@KateWhineHall

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@Tbone7219

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ?
and I just pooooed ?

@TuSoonShakur

[Arsonist Conference] This year’s award goes to Jim Buford—c’mon up here Jim. Jim, you really razed the bar for all of us.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

@EJGomez

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

@Abusitron

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails