@Kryzazy

I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

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@joeljeffrey

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

@SaltyCorpse

Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.

@Shade510

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

@AsYouNotWish

I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.

@IvoryGazelle

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

@faggrat

time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo

@BringDaNoyz

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery