Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk