I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend


Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.


Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.


Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.


I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.


A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.


time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo


ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery