I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’m aging like a fine banana
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
dads on road-trips be like
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “