I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
You Might Also Like
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Selfie
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then