I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Quadruple digit IQ
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.