Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

but that was my emotional support daylight

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!

Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.

Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

There’s only one good girl here!

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.