I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
choose your gary
they see me scrollin
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.